hmmmm...

I've been thinking a lot lately
Mostly about myself.
Now before you go and think that I'm thinking in a selfish sense, I'm not thinking about myself in a "the world revolves around me sense" or an "I'm so perfect, I can get anything I want sense" I've just been thinking about the kind of person I am.
What I've discovered is that my personality clashes with itself.

I'm different.
Everyone is.
But I mean like different different different.

On the surface I seem like a crazy wacky annoying person. Which most of the time I am.

But underneith it all, I'm actually a dark person.

I like to make it seem as though I'm an optimist.

But I'm more of a pessimistic realist.

I like to be realistic with things, but I always think its just gonna go all to hell.

I don't really see a glass as being half empty or half full. I see it more as a glass 3/4 empty.

I'm very hypocritical.

When my friend has a problem, I try to make them see the upside on things.

If someone is having bad relationship issues, I like to make them think they're lucky they didn't lose a limb.

Some of my friends think that when something goes bad that there is nothing they can do.

But like my friend Becca says, there are people who have worse problems than angst or relationship issues or parent issues.

There are some people who have to lie in a hospital bed for the rest of their lives with an uncurrable disease that is slowly eating the inside of their body.

Those people are the most optimistic people ever.

The terminally ill don't like to pay attention to their dying-ness. They really don't want to think about death. But they know its coming.

They live life to its fullest.

So why can't we, those who don't have as much to lose, do that?

We have everything in our reach and we can acheive anything we want if we try hard enough.
So why do we fail?

A few weeks ago, Connor asked me why he can't do anything right.

We had this long, deep conversation, and everytime I would say something, he would totally just blow it off and say, "It doesn't matter."

I was sooo pissed.

Its kinda like, why ask if you aren't gonna listen to what I say?

I'm a writer.

I can word things on paper in a way I can't word them out loud.

Good thing we were texting.

Its harder to express your feelings on paper, but for some reason it just comes naturally to me.

When he asked why he always fails, I told him it was because he's weak.

He sees failure as an inevitability.

He wants to fail.

When something goes shitty in his life, he just gives up.

He has no passion.

No drive.

And he doesn't like to listen to me.

Eventhough he knew I was right.

He's always bitching about how he has no friends and everyone hates him. And how most of his friends treat him like crap.

I told him maybe he should grow a backbone and start to stick up for himself.

But then he said he was afraid all his friends would hate him.

I was like, "DUDE! If you start to stick up for yourself, you're friends will either respect you, or hate you. And the ones who hate you are the ones that you shouldn't even be wasting your time with. Stop letting me, your girlfriend, and the rest of your friends walk all over you. If you aren't willing to change, then stop complaining and deal. If you're life is as bad as you think it is, you should probably change it, but since you aren't willing to change it, then you have no room to bitch."

Thats when I realized.

I do the same exact thing.

When something goes wrong in my life, I just try to run away from it and all I do is bitch to my friends. I never take action.

I mean, the whole weakness thing is kinda how I am.

I mean if my friend is bothering me I really don't say anything and I just vent to my other friends about it.
Which means I talk shit behind their back.
I don't have the guts to confront them.

But I'm not afraid of being hated.
Sure I like to get along with everyone, cuz I freakin hate drama, but if someone has a problem with me, I'm not about to get into a fight with them.
Its all a matter of opinion.
If someone doesn't like me, I'm not gonna change myself just to get them to like me.
I like who I am....well sorta.

I'm a bubbley person who likes to talk to people.
But I'm one of the most shy people you will ever meet.
I love being around my friends.
But my idea of a nice weekend involves me, a cupboard full of food, a remote, and a bed.
I'm afraid of being alone
But I find being alone is being one of the most comfortable states of mind.
I have a wacky sense of style
But I'm a very conservative person.
It may seem like I have the courage
But I'm one of the biggest chickens.

I may seem like a happy person, but its all an act.
The truth is........
I've been fighting depression all my life.
It's one of those things I'm not really open about for discussion.
No I don't take pills, although I probably should.
My mom is a very depressed person and actually should be going through theropy.
But we can't afford it.
And we don't have the time.
My mom and I both have those days (frequently) where all we want to do is just lay in bed and cry.
Its normally quiet around my house during the weekends.

I'm a Scorpio.
The description of my sign fits me to a T.
It pretty much says we try to help others before we help ourselves.
Which is what I try to do.
We take on other peoples emotions and try to resolve their issues, even if we have our own issues to settle.
It's hard for us to be happy.
We try to save the world (in a sense) which takes a lot of compromise.

I know what kind of person I am.
I don't know if I'm a good person or a bad person.
I'm just me.